Howling in Pain

I am one who does words cut deep, physical woulds heal with scars which is no biggy. However those that wound was soul, that is tricky. I myself have been wound time and time again, I bleed and the pain barely subsides. I really should not have been allowed to live, I have no idea why I am still alive at all. Well I do...

I am here to serve.

Time and Time again I find myself in a cycle of pain and suffering. I am pragmatic and I try to avoid these pitfalls. Yet I am proven wrong, with the void growing larger and larger and larger. I said I was dead already, a walking corpse fulfilling my obligations and awaiting my eventual release. I will fulfill my duty, but life is not worth it. I was content being numb, doing my filial duties and just waiting and watching. I was pursuing my scholastic research and projects, but no need for social interaction. I was no longer being hurt after such terror a few years ago....the void was still as there was nothing to feed it.

As you know already I took a risk of taking a mutual interest into someone who harmonized with me. We are so much alike, and yet so different. I believe we complimented each other so well. I thought for the first time in years I found someone who I felt safe with and who understood me. Someone who actually like me for me. My heart began to beat, I began to feel, I began to live life and for the first time there was an actual future for me. I ran the scenarios in my had and risk factors, evaluated things. I walked in full knowing what could be.... this is the only time I saw a chance for a future so I risked it. At the very least, I had a Wolfbrother which is more than I hoped for.

However, as usual fate is cruel. He literally lost it. I am not one to force change on someone, I let them be and nurture. I will walk the path with someone and be there for them. I rather have the bitter truth, than the sweetest of lies..... I am reciprocal in nature. If you show me you care, I will respond in kind.

Sosuke and Shino "HAKKENDEN : Tōhō Hakken Ibun"

The issue with my Wolfbrother leaves me in a puzzlement as there are two side of him;

1) He actually cared for me, he went out of his way to want me. I didn't believe him and it took a few month to accept it. Once there we were inseparable and shared a deep understanding a true companionship. He always wanted me by his side, and I felt the same. It was unusual, yet it was there and very real.

2) When "they" came in, for the very beginning "they" tried to pull us apart. They tried to pit us against eachother, but we carried on. In June of 2016 they gave he something he craved, he went for it hoping it would turn me away. I followed him and we endured. The big push came in November of 2016. He withdrew and began lashing out. He started to hurt me, but there was a conflict.....I would still not leave.
He did everything to make me go and give up..... he said and did some terrible things.
It escalated to that terrible day of 2/7/2017 where I tried to stop him from wandering off. He attacked me, and if he had his knife on him as he usually does I may have been stabbed.

He doesn't see what happened and will not talk to anyone. He refuses to even hear or let alone read anything I have to say for the ultimate act of betrayal. He doesn't get why I got my keys back because he terrorized me that night and I feared for the safety of my household. He has no empathy for the things he has inflicted upon me. What is worse I think he knows full well what he did.......and I was taken advantage of big time.
I think all the cruel things he said to me are true..... and I am correct in my own assessment.
I am worthy nothing. I am not worthy of love. I am not worth of companionship. I am not or nor will I ever be good enough. I am meant always be alone, in the cold, a frozen prince just waiting for the last petal to fall.

I consider my actions, I consider my thoughts, I consider my words, I consider my emotions, for they are a reflection of who I am. I can empathize with his actions, and ironically understand them to a point. We are the same afterall. However, I no longer truly know, I don't to anymore. I just have to wait till my end of days comes.....

[Legal Disclaimer: I unfortunately am stuck for a long time as I have a filial obligation to meet. I am just expressing a level of emotional pain. I need no ones help or pity, I am just howling at the moon right now.]