When someone is depressed....

When your partner is dealing with depression, you want to be as supportive and loving as possible. But it’s hard to know what to say or how to help, especially if you’ve never experienced depression firsthand.

Starting a conversation with your significant other is critical, but sometimes offering the wrong words ― while well-intentioned ― can do more harm than good. We asked experts to tell us some of the most damaging phrases people with depression hear from their loved ones and what more-compassionate things to say instead.

Don’t say: “You need to get help.”
Instead say: “I’m worried about you and us. I love you and want to support you. How can I help?”

This way it’s a team approach, not blaming one person. And if he or she is depressed, you finding a therapist or making an appointment for them may make it seem less daunting or exhausting. Tell him or her, ‘We’ll get through this together. It will get better.’”

Don’t say: “Things can’t be THAT bad right now.”
Instead say: “How have you been feeling lately? Is it worse at some times than others?”

How have they been feeling? Ask if it seems to be worse at some times than others. Ask what they think might have been the trigger. Asking gives your partner permission to to talk about feelings.

Don’t say: “How much longer until you’re better?”
Instead say: “How are you feeling?”

Stay away from statements that may cause your partner to feel like what they are experiencing is their fault. Acknowledge that your partner is not feeling well, and that you support them and love them, even if it takes a while for them to start to feel like themselves again.”

Don’t say: “Why don’t you just get out of bed and go for a walk, or watch a happy movie?”
Instead say: “Would you go for a short walk with me?”

A different way of suggesting action and movement in a depressed partner may be to ask, ‘Would you go for a short walk with me?’ Or, ‘I’d like to watch this funny movie, would you watch it with me?’ You are asking your partner to participate with you in something that you suspect will also help them. They feel needed and wanted, and you may be able to move them off their depressive center.”

Don’t say: “How could this happen to you?”
Instead say: “I am with you. You are not alone in this. This happens to others.”

A depressed person is already feeling terrible. What is needed are statements of acceptance and care. It’s helpful to say stuff like, ‘I am with you. You are not alone in this. This happens to others.’

Don’t say: “You’re so negative.”
Instead say: “It won’t be like this forever.”

When someone is depressed, it truly feels as though the symptoms may last forever, so it’s important to remind your partner that they will pass.”

Don’t say: “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Instead say: “I’d like to remind you that you matter to me. I need you, I want you, I love you.”

‘Your depression is telling you that you don’t matter to anyone. I understand it has a strong hold on your mind. I’d also like to remind you that you matter to me, I need you, I want you, I love you.’ Whenever we can promote the distinction between what depression is saying, and what reality is presenting, we are not arguing with our partner. Rather, we are showing them that there are alternatives to a thought.”

Don’t say: “You’re not fun anymore. We never go out.”
Instead say: “Let’s get coffee together.”

“Take simple steps to get out of the house with your partner. Suggest a walk together, or coffee with friends ― one simple routine activity each day can help lift your partner’s mood. ​And take care of yourself, too.