Type: CE4
Location: Los Angeles, CA, 90023
Time of Incidents: N/A
Attempted Time of Sleep: Me 1:00am/Aunt 1:30 am
State of Mind Before: Depressed, Withdrawn (Me)
State of Mind After: Depressed, Withdrawn (Me)
Odd occurrences before: Insomnia, Kidney Issues
Odd occurrences after: Withdrawn, Confusion
Over the past week I been forcing myself to go to sleep early, I have gotten back to some of the activities I like, started drinking green tea powder, and taken an interest in gardening. I know there is something wrong with me.....not just normal wrong...but fundamentally wrong.
First off I have been waking up around 3:50am, I am usually bothered. Something happens..and I am not too sure. One night the bathroom door opened, I knew someone was in there...I knew they were coming...however I just kept lying to myself that everything was fine and the door was closed.
There has been more and more dreams, but all circle back to people from high school....my so called friends and associates. They bother me alot and make me feel worse...why is my brain fabricating happy times with them?
The thing I am worried about is my withdrawn attitude. I do not want to deal with people, I do not trust people's intentions, and I know that I am not worth anything. I been trying to deal with my Wolfbrother's loss and process it in a healthy way. Sadly the whole issue has reinforced some of the deep seated wounds in my life....why people abandon me, why I am never good enough, and that anyone who even appears to love me is only manipulating me and will scar me. It is just how this all ended....I do not understand. However, I know by November it will be over..I think... a part of me is still desperately holding on to what was said... that infection of hope.... I think once this passes I can bury all this...and walk away. My heart is broken, my spirit is bruised, and I do want to end things..... there is simply no point. I am struggling every day to find a reason....apathy needs to set in....I don't want to feel.
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