Lowpoints of a Life

Forever lonely, because I do not belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me.

   Right now my heart is heavy and I am broken. I am doing my best to mask the pain that is in my soul and in my heart. It is one thing to walk away and let the fates decide what may come, but it is another thing entirely to condemn someone (even if it is for their own good) to a hard choice for help. As I reported their was a situation with my wolfbrother. For the past six months, on and off he has been dealing with a situation in which there have been drastic personality changes and behaviors. At first I was explained that these were for the better, a healthy lifestyle choice and diet, being all natural, and going toward the 'light'. I had some reservations that I expressed along the way, but was always re-assured that it was for the good and part of the overall plan. As a friend, and as I promised to walk with him I followed. When things got iffy I did my best to try to pull him back by engaging him in many other activities to stimulate his mind. For a time he returned to normal, but things back slipped in which communication became spotty....I was no cut out of many things. The 'light' had taken over and now I was a pariah and a thing of disgust....but was still needed.
For the past three months I tolerated his outbursts and cruel behavior, however before the solar new year I could not take it. I said my goodbyes. Innocently he contacted me unaware of anything I wrote or said. My feelings for him clouded my judgement and we talked, and I thought we reconciled things.

Basically who and what I am, is something distasteful to him. All the things we enjoyed, all the things we laughed at, all the things that gave meaning to our mundane eyes were strangled by some twisted dogma of the "light". One of the anchors was compromised because of this, our ring and our bond, was cast aside because he felt the meaning had been twisted when someone commented on it.I think that is when his disgust with me boiled forth, I was to be who I was...but was unable to do so since it was something he hated.

Sadly, the events I experience were not isolated to me alone. They echoed throughout his family's life as well, and disrupted the harmony of their household. He also neglected his own well being too. Things became chaotic, and eventually I became a catalyst...the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back as they say.
He is know getting the help he needs, steps have been taken now....serious steps that are now out of anyones hands. It breaks my heart in so many ways..... as it is a cycle of encounters I have gone through with people each and every time. Deep down I feel that I am truly cursed, I know there is interference from "them", as my association with my wolfbrother has shown that time and time again. DWD was another that ended in betrayal and sorrow, the Dark One, The German Angel, JWD, RT, and even my special someone.
My emotional state is constantly toyed with, any moments or succor and safety are a washed by pain and misery. Recent events have crushed my heart as well, being duped into believing I was worth something. Issue concerning the state of my mother have resurfaced since this is related as well as the gravity of the current situation. The full weight of things is on my shoulders, I have no put my best friend and wolfbrother in a situation where he must navigate a gauntlet, if he does survive he will not be the same.
In the very end, there is no place for me....as long as he get better that is all that matters. However, knowing my wolfbrother, I have betrayed him.....I disgust him, and I deserve the fate of what await me in the dark.

I will always fight, but it seems I am truly alone.