Anomalous Behavioral Pattern

Alone, Different, and Waiting

 Odd how I can find a picture that hold the meaning of how I feel. Lately I been noticing some anomalous behavior and emotional responses. I am aware that it may be from sleep deprivation from my chronic insomnia, which is a result of the alien encounters and mental scenarios I have. It may also be from the additional stress from the situation with my Wolfbrother, and our shared and interactive alien encounters and mental scenarios we suffer from. The common thread is the whole Alien thing.... yet I think the damage was preset and things were engineered with me this way. I will explain more of this, as it is too coincidental.

First things first. My relation to the rest of the world. I am a classic introvert by nature, and great with small groups. I value intimacy and quality relationships, and do well in a structured and situation (knowing my function and place). The one things I am constantly told by "Them" is that I am DEFECTIVE. I have no value other than what I was made for. My personality seems to have been shaped by this, but being as DEFECTIVE  as I am ...for some really weird reason I am functional. I have reviewed things and I know I compartmentalize many things, remain apathetic, and try to review as they come. With me it is trying to hold up my obligations and responsibilities. In time eventually when I reflect on things I see how broke I am, how worthless I truly am, why no one would every value me other than as an object or resource. The per usual I file those thoughts away, and go on with my assigned tasks and duties, distracting myself with research.

This is where the contradiction lies though, I realize my potentiality and worth of who I am. I can asses the value I have to others, in the sense of my usefulness. I am loyal, nurturing, a mediator, someone who is willing to walk by another as an equal companion, someone who is worth knowing and enjoying life with. However reality hits me.....and since I dislike contradictions I seem to sabotage certain aspects of myself to reflect the reasons as to why I am such a failure and undeserving of companionship. What kind of person would want me? Why would I inflict myself one someone else?

No I isolated why I am feeling this way. My sexual orientation and the alien experiences. Although I have a history of severe emotional abuse from my family (my father did not want me, tried to kill me more than once, severe abandonment issues from my mother, being considered "defective" etc.), I dealt with that. When i think back on those issue it is sad, but that is in the past. However when looking at my orientation for instance, it only reaffirms my DEFECTIVE nature and that no one will ever want me. Example, I once held Christianity close to my heart, was a member of a church and wanted to become a member of the order. How ever they made me realize that I was the worst being in all of creation, not worthy of forgiveness and damned no matter what I do. I can never seek absolution of this sin as I am fundamentally an abomination.
I will be tolerated, but in the end I will be damned and left behind. My Wolfbrother consistently remind me of this, who I am loved and valued....but in the end I am an abomination that will be cast off when the time comes. My nature is to strive to prove myself of my worth and seek some form of acceptance, but I only see that it will end as they say. I will be alone.... no matter what I would be able to do I will never know love.
Only betrayal.... I am DEFECTIVE.
Beside the religious aspect, my own supposed community finds me distasteful. As I am different, I do not follow their agenda, and this I am alone. Then if something does come forward...the alien issue comes in.
Why would I curse someone else to this experience?

What is worse, and I do not know which came first. This conclusion I have or their influence in the matter. They attempt to remind me everyday that I am alone, unwanted, that I am an object, not a being who deserves anything. Their interference in my life is one of the causes why my father tried to kill me, why there were issues with my mother, why I feel like a pariah among my peers. I see their hands in my life guiding and influencing events that seems to have per-pared me for my next participation in their experiments. I think part of the defensive mechanism I have in place is the compartmentalization, which keeps me sane and functional.
I do not know if their intention is to have a broken and passive subject..... but they keep reminding me I am DEFECTIVE. Also the way I think....I feel so isolated. I feel no one understands me, and the whole situation with my Wolfbrother (the 2017 issues) only reminds me of what levels they are willing to go to hurt me and others. They have manipulated me, and hurt me in so many ways beside the physical scars.

I don't want to feel right now. I have no escapes either. My logical mind cannot fathom the reasons for alcoholism, drug use, or even paid companionship. If I even tried such measure, it would be ineffective.
What I need in my life will never be, that hurts more since  I know what I need. I can't buy it or take it by force. In the unlikely event that I do encounter it, would I be so selfish to endanger them with the alien thing?
In the past anyone who presented themselves for me to hold onto ends up hurting me even worse, each time they were "involved" in the selection and association with said solution. 

I am becoming emotional as well which is not good. The apathy isn't working. I am beginning to feel Fear, Loss, and Sorrow. This of course causes me such emotional pain, in need to find way to override or nullify it. So far I can pacify things, but it is only a matter of time.

I realize that it is beyond my ability to change the whole thing about my orientation. I am who I intend to be. There is nothing wrong with it. I am a good person. I can survive on my own as it has been proven. I just have to somehow remove the need "to be loved" and "accepted". It is a tricky thing, and honestly I can't be heartless. The second thing with the Aliens I can change... I can resist, makes allies, and hopefully find away to stop this not only for myself...but others. However oddly enough.... I need people to do it.... otherwise certain scenario automatically will be enacted.

It reinforces why they seem to want me isolated and broken, but as I am DEFECTIVE DEFECTIVE, they will not get what they intended. As I said be before.... Be Aware, Try to Be Calm, and Resist.

As to the picture above. It reminds me that even in a group I am alone. Although I am capable of not only surviving on my own, but assisting others.....I am alone. The guys together crossed legged represent the difference and they will never accept me. They seem to be on stable and dry land. The lone figure is being washed away slowly by the sea, a force bigger than himself. His leg position means he is seeking, open to something or someone. waiting for completion or fulfillment.