Lowpoints of a Life

Forever lonely, because I do not belong to anyone, and nobody belongs to me.

   Right now my heart is heavy and I am broken. I am doing my best to mask the pain that is in my soul and in my heart. It is one thing to walk away and let the fates decide what may come, but it is another thing entirely to condemn someone (even if it is for their own good) to a hard choice for help. As I reported their was a situation with my wolfbrother. For the past six months, on and off he has been dealing with a situation in which there have been drastic personality changes and behaviors. At first I was explained that these were for the better, a healthy lifestyle choice and diet, being all natural, and going toward the 'light'. I had some reservations that I expressed along the way, but was always re-assured that it was for the good and part of the overall plan. As a friend, and as I promised to walk with him I followed. When things got iffy I did my best to try to pull him back by engaging him in many other activities to stimulate his mind. For a time he returned to normal, but things back slipped in which communication became spotty....I was no cut out of many things. The 'light' had taken over and now I was a pariah and a thing of disgust....but was still needed.
For the past three months I tolerated his outbursts and cruel behavior, however before the solar new year I could not take it. I said my goodbyes. Innocently he contacted me unaware of anything I wrote or said. My feelings for him clouded my judgement and we talked, and I thought we reconciled things.

Basically who and what I am, is something distasteful to him. All the things we enjoyed, all the things we laughed at, all the things that gave meaning to our mundane eyes were strangled by some twisted dogma of the "light". One of the anchors was compromised because of this, our ring and our bond, was cast aside because he felt the meaning had been twisted when someone commented on it.I think that is when his disgust with me boiled forth, I was to be who I was...but was unable to do so since it was something he hated.

Sadly, the events I experience were not isolated to me alone. They echoed throughout his family's life as well, and disrupted the harmony of their household. He also neglected his own well being too. Things became chaotic, and eventually I became a catalyst...the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back as they say.
He is know getting the help he needs, steps have been taken now....serious steps that are now out of anyones hands. It breaks my heart in so many ways..... as it is a cycle of encounters I have gone through with people each and every time. Deep down I feel that I am truly cursed, I know there is interference from "them", as my association with my wolfbrother has shown that time and time again. DWD was another that ended in betrayal and sorrow, the Dark One, The German Angel, JWD, RT, and even my special someone.
My emotional state is constantly toyed with, any moments or succor and safety are a washed by pain and misery. Recent events have crushed my heart as well, being duped into believing I was worth something. Issue concerning the state of my mother have resurfaced since this is related as well as the gravity of the current situation. The full weight of things is on my shoulders, I have no put my best friend and wolfbrother in a situation where he must navigate a gauntlet, if he does survive he will not be the same.
In the very end, there is no place for me....as long as he get better that is all that matters. However, knowing my wolfbrother, I have betrayed him.....I disgust him, and I deserve the fate of what await me in the dark.

I will always fight, but it seems I am truly alone.  

Grey Attempted Rape

Date: 2/8/2017
Type: CE4
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Time of Incidents: 9:00am-10:00 am
Attempted Time of Sleep:2:30am (Me)/11:00pm (aunt)/Guest 11:30pm
State of Mind Before: Heartbroken, Very Depressed (Me)/ Depressed, In Pain (Aunt)
State of Mind After: Even More Depressed, Very Sad (Me)/ Depressed, In Pain (Aunt)
Odd occurrences before: Incident with Wolfbrother
Odd occurrences after: Violated

Yesterday things worsened with my Wolfbrother. It escalated into a situation in which authorities were called and eventually his family had to come and get him. Emotionally I am a wreck, but saving grass is I am in Rabbit mode. At this moment his family is trying to get him help. I am already dealing with several issues, and I am trying not to deal with this one at the moment. However an incident occurred this morning.

I awoke around 9:00am and said good morning to my guest, check on my aunt, and made sure my canine friend was okay. I am really sad over the events that transpired and just wanted to sleep. I am begin to hurt from the hit and felling the emotional component even more. I tried to continue my writing but was to distraught.

As I went to sleep I heard the familiar odd sound in my ear and I was paralyzed....I thought to my self "No No No No....not know I can't deal with this now....just leave me alone". My blue comforter was pulled over my head. I had trouble breathing and I was trying to stayed focus. I tried calling out several times for help, but was having trouble speaking. I tried to remain calm and focused on moving any part of my body. I managed to open my eyes, and in all honesty I did not want to as they were here. Something crawled into the comforter and attempted to grab my hand. It was an inky cloud of darkness, it was touching me and trying to pull me in. I started to shaking my hands violently, vibrating them as much as I could which caused the inky cloud to change. There was a grey arm now swatting me trying to stop me. I heard "It sees, it knows, not the one. He has gone". It still attempted to get near me. "You want. You desire. We see. Give what we gave him? You want. You desire. We see."  It then shifted and adjusted an went over me and behind me. It held me by the waist and started to gyrate, I thought "You are trying to fuck me? Really?". It held on and continued to dry hump. I barely felt anything as my underwear was on, and my other comforter. When I laughed it stopped and left.

I awoke and gasped for air and was very very shaky. I dismissed thins as do to all the stress in the past 24 hours. However, it bothers me as I do feel the phantom effects of being dry humped. I do vividly remember having it hold me and swatting at the inky black cloud to reveal a greys arm struggling with me.

I am trying my best to stay stable for my aunt and the sake of my wolfbrothers family. It has been a tough time.